Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.