*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
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my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’d love this…lol
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
how much for the angry fruit?
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching