funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
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Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics