Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning