@JohnHilsen

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

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@NickBossRoss

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

@hardasamother

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

@aotakeo

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

@MichaelTrying

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

@MomofTeen

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

@simoncholland

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

@UncleDuke1969

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

@djdarrellripley

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

@TragicAllyHere

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!