My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
what my late-night hot pocket sees
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps