My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

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wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what


I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.


*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course


Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.


[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”


Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*


A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.


There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.