why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much