Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
awkward
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.