Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber