Well, that should do it
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.