Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO