Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.