If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?