I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
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My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
no such thing as a dumb question
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days