Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

*pronounces woah like Noah*

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

Living the best life.. 😊

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.