Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
You Might Also Like
What the hell happened here.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.