🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
That took me a moment.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly