Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Previously On Persistence 😎
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.