@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

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@notfunnyelle

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

@foxxy311

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

@ms_woodsy

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

@MommaUnfiltered

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

@CraigChamberlin

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.