[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport


Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.


Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.


Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.


Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:


It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.


Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”


“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary


Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.