@notfunnyelle my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
@iwearaonesie [leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
You Might Also Like
@notfunnyelle 
@foxxy311 Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
@ericamorecambe For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
@ms_woodsy Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
@E_lok44 Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
@Yair_Rosenberg Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
@MommaUnfiltered It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
@PattyArquette Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
@PleaseBeGneiss “have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
@CraigChamberlin Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.