I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Effort made
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The first one, obviously
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Had an epiphany today.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.