There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
You Might Also Like
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Every house has this drawer
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.