I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.