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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
secret recipe