Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
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Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.