How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit