My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
It be like that sometimes 😆
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer