Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.