“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Always the camel, never the toe.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”