Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
good work, detective
Hotels are back
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.