My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.