Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
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Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched