Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
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The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
ugh not again
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet