Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
![]()
You Might Also Like
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
![]()
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich