I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
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me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
🔦🌙👣
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.