Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.