Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Me too door. Me too.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?