I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Encore…
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
KFC hitting the cannibal market
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.