Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me