the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.