I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Spider-cat: No One Home
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there