subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Today’s Times
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy