a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
man i love columbo
WHY would you be happy about this?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time