Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
There is wisdom there.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Here’s a meme
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.