*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me when my alarm goes off
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*