Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
You Might Also Like
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Ooops wrong house😂😜
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets