Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Forever 21… pounds overweight
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’