me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
#titanic
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs