Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.