Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
What kind of a cult is this?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?