“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
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Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
channeling her this year
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.