[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
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standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Don’t make me out nice you.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner