Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues