“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
that’s really how it is
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
he was correct
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true