I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I have questions??
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.