Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

@topaz_kell

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

@baronvonbike

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

@HeresCunty

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

@PaperWash

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

@rebrafsim

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

@WetzelGeek

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@imskytrash

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

@david8hughes

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”